Dating

Some people get into relationships with the thought that they can change their partner, and in most cases, they are sadly mistaken. The person rarely ever changes, so you have to ask yourself beforehand: If he or she doesn’t change, am I willing to accept that? Unfortunately, if things like these are not thought out beforehand, relationships end up in turmoil or people end up living their lives together being miserable because it isn’t exactly what they thought they signed up for.

The Beginning

I think it’s important to really ask questions when you begin dating. Many people feel that they should really respect their partner’s privacy when they start a relationship, but I feel that asking questions is the only way you find out about each other. It’s really best to find out whether the person is or isn’t who you want to be with from the beginning, rather than having preconceived notions about each other and finding out differently later when you have gotten used to one another. So my motto is ask away.

I asked Chris any question that came to mind, nothing was too personal in my book. I asked about his history, how many previous partners he had, how long he had been with each partner, what was the extent of his intimacy with each partner, etc. I didn’t have to ask much from there, because he had not been with anyone previously, and neither had I.

It’s also important to discuss with your partner each other’s morals, values, and your standards in a relationship. How much time apart is too much? How much time together is too much? What things do you absolutely have a zero tolerance for? Those are things to learn quickly in a relationship before you get too far into the game.

So we decided to be as committed as we could. He was more positive about it than I was. I expected it to last a few weeks or a few months if we were lucky. I was beginning college and he was attending Blind INC, an independent living training center in Minnesota. at the time. Fortunately, unlike a lot of couples who have long-distance relationships, we were able to see each other every month. 99% of the time, Chris flew to Missouri because I was bombarded with work on the weekends and I was just learning how to adapt to college. So I spent a lot of time in my studies. There were also a lot of very expensive phone bills. Chris got a $235 phone bill one month and all the long-distance calls were to Missouri of course.

The first time Chris came out to see me, he knew nothing about searching for air fares, and he did not want to ask for help. He was determined to do it independently he said. So, rather than looking online for the cheapest fare on expedia or priceline.com, or perhaps getting a special from an airline’s web site, he called Northwest Airlines, and chose the very first option he was given, a flight for $474 from Minneapolis St. Paul to St. Louis. But most of the time, the flights run about $150 or $200. So he paid twice as much because he didn’t know what he was doing. After that experience, he learned to let me help him make flight arrangements on priceline.com

We were very anxious to see each other every month since it was a long-distance relationship. Literally every time he got in the door from coming to visit me, we immediately went to priceline.com and made arrangements for his next trip that same day, so we could count down the days until we would see each other again. Each visit got harder and harder, for us because we became more attached to each other. Finally, in April 2001, just eight months after we started dating, I told him one of us had to move.

We decided that since he would be graduating from Blind Inc. in May, and he was currently not enrolled for anything in Minnesota, he would move to Missouri. I was already involved in college, attending an honors program, receiving scholarships and I was really set.

Being Up Front

He was born blind and epileptic. I wanted to know what to do in the event that he had a seizure. He hated discussing his epilepsy at that time, and told me to research it myself. I insisted that if we would continue to see each other, he had to talk to me. There are just some things you must get your partner to talk about, whether they like it or not, so you know how to prepare for the situation.

Comprmise

One other factor for those who are blind is whether we enter into a relationship with another person who is blind, or if we decide to date a sighted person. I believe it’s good to be open to either. However, if you are blind and decide to date a sighted person, it’s good to remember why you got into the relationship. Hopefully, you got into it to find a life long partner who you can love and who can love you as much. Some blind people, when they begin dating sighted partners, lose their identity and independence, and they begin to rely on their sighted partner for everything.

I was recently telling someone about some new technology for blind people, and the person told me that since they met and were involved with their sighted partner, they no longer cared about blindness or blindness related things. Another person once told me that he would only date a sighted woman because she could pick out his clothes and tie his shoes for him since he had never been taught. This was very sad and frustrating for me to hear.

Parents

While we all must admit, it would be nice not to spend so much time at a bus stop, it is ridiculous to limit yourself only to sighted partners simply because it will be easier on you. When you do that, you begin to become dependent on that person in an unhealthy way. Relationships are about giving as well as taking.

My mom and dad have told me on several occasions that they think Chris is too much baggage for me because he has epilepsy. In 2002, Chris had five seizures and ended up in ICU for a couple days. His heart stopped on two separate occasions. I was there feeding him breakfast, lunch and dinner every day, helping him to the bathroom, and caring for him every step of the way.

Sure, the nurses could have done it, but if he would have waited for them to feed him, his meals would have been cold. He had to go to the bathroom when the nurses were not immediately available to help him, so they put a catheter in him. He did not want the catheter, so I was there holding him up and walking him to the bathroom, because he was so sick, he did not have the strength at the time to do any of this on his own. He could barely sit up by himself. A sighted person would have done the exact same thing, and so I have no excuse not to do it because I’m blind.

One of the nurses at the hospital who thought we were married said, “You really are such a supportive wife. Most women who come in don’t do that much for their husbands. They sometimes just drop them off, leave and come check on them periodically. I am so amazed at how much you do for your husband.”

I really appreciated her compliment, because she was not putting the emphasis on me being amazing because of my blindness, she said I was amazing simply because of how much I supported Chris compared to other women supporting their husbands. Although I have always been a very confident person and knew I was doing well, that just reaffirmed everything and it was great to hear that.

Reccomended Reading

Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives – Dr. Laura Schlesinger

Ten Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives – Dr. Laura Schlesinger

Ten Stupid Things Couples Do To Mess Up Their Lives – Dr. Laura Schlesinger

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus – John Grey

What Your Mother Couldn’t Tell You and Your Father Didn’t Know – John Grey

Chicken Soup For the Couple’s Soul – Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen