Parents

Parents by their very nature are there to protect, nurture and care for their children. I think sometimes parents of blind children, because of their misconceptions, never let go of the need to nurture and care for their blind child. This can build the need to rely on others. How can you go on a trip by yourself, I will not be there to protect you if something happens? How will you live on your own, who will cook and clean for you?

A blind friend of mine in California recently wanted to go on a trip. But she lived on the west coast and the friend she wanted to visit was on the east coast. She is in her 30’s, but her mom convinced her not to go because something might happen, and her mom was afraid she would not be able to get to her daughter quickly enough to resolve the issue. She did not have the confidence that maybe her daughter could resolve the issue alone.

Sometimes, when you get older, your parents will still try to control certain aspects of your life. Many sighted adults still have their parents nagging them throughout their lives. So you really don’t know how much of it is just your parents still having the thought of you being their little kid, and how much of it is over-protectiveness because you’re blind.

My parents, for example, would like to determine where I live. I explained to them I have to live in an area with good public transportation. But they think I should live closer to them, where there is no public transportation. Once they said that my grandma could drive me around. They never even asked my grandma. Once I told my grandma of this, she told me to tell them to stop volunteering her for things without asking her.

She is gone a lot, and even if she could drive me around, Chris and I are a young couple who want to keep some private things private. While I tell my family a lot of things, I don’t think any of them need to accompany us to doctor’s appointments, or other personal trips.

Discovering Who You Are

Although your parents probably love you very much and they really believe they’re doing what’s best, sometimes their thoughts and reality can be very different. Although their intentions are good and they mean well, it’s important to learn who you are as a blind person on your own. Once you have established this, your thoughts and knowledge of what you can do as a blind person may be very different from that of your parents or other family members.

My parents don’t believe blind people should raise kids, but since I have been around many people who are constantly changing what it means to be blind, I have learned that there are many blind couples raising families successfully, and that sight is not a crucial roll in parenting. I look forward to one day maybe having children of my own.

Moving Out

Getting your first apartment or dorm room is scary for anyone. Even young sighted adults are a bit apprehensive leaving the nest for the first time. But sighted adults learn how to cook and clean, even if they are just learning when they get out on their own for the first time. I always hear of tons of people getting married and worrying that they don’t know how to cook or clean good enough, or there will be some household chore they won’t be able to handle because they’ve never done it before. But as time goes by, most people learn how to do it, and the same should apply to us as blind people. It is easy to give in when your mom says, “Let me do that for you,” but we have to learn to say no and plunge ahead in the world on our own.

When I got guinea pigs, my dad was especially scared I could not care for them on my own. He thought I would drop them or they would easily escape from their cage and run so fast that I couldn’t find them. But since I have had my three guinea pigs for over eight months now, he does not say much about that anymore. But when something happens to the guinea pigs, if they get sick for example, he always brings up my blindness and how I will take care of them. But there has never been a situation where the pigs were sick and I haven’t brought them to the vet. They always get the best medical care.

Some blind people, unfortunately, fall into their parents’ misconceptions so heavily that they don’t think they can live on their own. Sadly, some blind people are living with their parents well into their 30’s and 40’s, and up until their parents die, because they are never taught independence and how to live on their own. No one ever thinks about the blind person’s life after the parents are gone.

A guy I once new in New Jersey is almost forty years old and lives with his parents. When I met him a few years ago, his mom was holding one of his hands and his dad held the other. He just sits in his bedroom and makes cassette tapes for people all day. He has a very sharp mind, but hasn’t the alternative skills he needs to go out into the world.

Communicating

Another thing I notice with some parents is their contradictory thoughts. For example, my parents think I can go out and get a Master’s degree, find a great well-paying job and live in a real nice house. However, they don’t think I’m capable of going out at certain hours by myself, crossing the street, or marrying and raising a family unless it’s with a sighted guy who can help me care for the child. This makes no sense if you think about it logically. How would I be able to commute to work or go on business trips without having knowledge of how to safely cross the street? My parents are not open to learning about blindness. They have accepted their own misconceptions of blind people and they are set in their ways. When I even begin to talk about blindness or the blindness consumer group I am in, they want me to shut up right away and not talk about it. I believe part of this is because they have their own ideas as to what blindness is about and are afraid to hear any other views but their own.

The most important thing for me to remember is that although they are my family, and they‘ve known me since the day I was born, they may not always know or be open to the fact that blind people can truly live independently. I have tried to talk to them about what blind people can do. I live an independent life and I hope that one day they will change their minds about what is possible for me as a blind woman. Until that day we will just have to agree to disagree.

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